How to Be a Better Listener

Introduction

Listening is a crucial skill for psychological and social stability. Often times when we think we are attending to the other person, we are actually attending to ourselves. We appear externally to be listening to the other person, but our mind is filled with our desire to respond or our intention to be right, and this is particularly true in a heated argument. There are many factors that come to construct the meaning of what we think we hear when we are listening. The other person is not only saying words, but they are saying those words in a certain tone, under a given context, all while exhibiting physical mannerisms such as gestures and facial expressions. On top of this, there are factors that impact your capacity to attend such as your relationship to the individual, your anticipations of how the discussion will unfold, and even physiological factors such as your hunger levels or how well you slept the night prior. It's a miracle that we seem to communicate effectively at all. Listening is a skill that can be developed, and how to listen properly is what I want to walkthrough in this paper. Much of this paper will come from the work of Carl Rogers, a famous American psychotherapist (Rogers, 1977; 1980; 1995; 2021).

Aim to Understand

As I mentioned, most of the time when we think we are listening to the other person, we are actually attending to our future response. We think we completely understood the meaning of the other person's message, even though they haven't finished speaking, so we conjure up our response and repeat it in our minds until their mouths have stopped moving, cuing us to respond. Meanwhile, we likely missed vital information, and this can lead to miscommunications. Part of the way to quiet those internal thoughts and to open yourself up to receive as much of the message as possible is to aim to understand the other person, not to respond, nor to prove yourself right, nor to make yourself look good. We are so concerned with our image, and for good reason. Our reputation is tightly associated with our status and social standing. If we appear to always be wrong in a debate or if we seem to lack assertiveness, then people may take this perception too far and treat us accordingly. At the same time, our desire to maintain our image can often inhibit our search for the truth, which is what an optimal, productive dialogue should be oriented towards. You want to know the meaning of what this person is saying, otherwise, why are you talking to them? The true meaning could be hidden under layers of implicit modes of communication. It may be so hidden they the other person themselves doesn't know what they are trying to communicate. This is often why people seek therapy. They are searching for another person who can be a mirror that reflects their inner experiences. To be a good listener is aim at being a mirror that's as free of distortions and blemishes as possible, thus enabling the other person to feel that they have been genuinely seen and heard.

Embrace Your Ignorance

Part of helping yourself to stay focused on understanding the other person is embracing your ignorance. Just as we often want to appear right or in control, we also often want to appear knowledgeable. No one likes to feel stupid, particularly if you're engaging with someone who will take advantage of this so they can elevate their own perceived status and make themselves feel superior. Nevertheless, the fact is that everyone is ignorant in some form. Again, much of this goes back to the question of why you're having the conversation in the first place. Wouldn't it be better if you learned something from the discussion? to the degree that you want to learn, you must practice humility and embrace your ignorance. Maybe you could even go so far as to explicitly communicate this to the other person. You could say, "Sorry, I may not be keeping up, could you repeat that," or, "I didn't understand that, how does this connect with that again?" Embracing your ignorance can lead to asking more questions rather than making more assertive statements. Questions and statements each have their rightful place in a conversation, but if your goal is to become a better listener, try asking more questions compared to the claims of fact that you make. If you do make a claim, preface it with yourself as the center of evaluation. Rather than saying, "You're not making sense," say, "I'm confused." Instead of saying, "You're not saying everything," say, "I feel like there's more to this." Keeping your claims tied to your point of view can prevent the other person from perceiving you as making claims of absolute correctness, and this perception of arrogance can muddy the waters.

Summarize The Message

On a more pragmatic note, you can become a better listener by summarizing the meaning conveyed by the other person back to them. Once you've established the goal of trying to understand the other person, and once you've adopted an attitude of humility, your job is now to showcase these rather internal proclivities in an external fashion. You can do this by not immediately responding with your own opinions and thoughts when it's your turn to talk. Instead, say, "Here's what I think you said... do I understand what you're saying?" Only give your response after the other person has confirmed the validity of your summarization. This tactic has a few benefits. First, it disarms the other person. Instead of initially putting forward your point, you will instead have asked a question of clarification. This lets them know that you actually want to hear and understand what they have to say. Second, it helps to shift the tone of the conversation from competitive to collaborative. By summarizing the other's perspective, you are indicating that you are both on the same team and trying to solve a joint problem. Third, it helps you learn. By summarizing, you are practicing the distilling of information, and by asking for the other person's assessment of your interpretation, you are opening yourself up to feedback which, if performed in the spirit of mutual understanding and development of the relationship, will help reinforce those patterns of attention within you that will make you a better listener.

Conclusion

Life is hard enough as it is without you adding to the struggles. The individual often struggles with his internal sub-personalities and with his conscious and unconscious, and disunity among these parts of the mind can manifest in psychological distress. Given that people have their differences, the default state of social relationships, one could argue, is confusion and conflict. It requires work to get your psychological and social house in order. One of the ways to inhibit this noble endeavor is by being a poor listener. If you can't listen to yourself, then you can't give those autonomous sub-personalities a voice, and they will have their voice heard one way or another. Failure to listen will also make you a pain to deal with socially, and we can imagine how having a lack of friends can lead to a spiral that also impacts your psychological health. Learn to listen by seeking understanding, embracing your ignorance, and practicing the art of distilling and summarizing the meaning that is being communicated to you.

References

Rogers, C. R. (1995). On Becoming a Person. Houghton Mifflin.

Rogers, C. R. (1980). A Way of Being. Houghton Mifflin Company.

Rogers, C. R. (1977). Carl Rogers on Personal Power. Delacorte.

Rogers, C. R. & Farson, R. E. (2021). Active Listening. Mockingbird Press.